


Aftermath

by kulina



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Gen, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, waterparks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 08:05:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18752368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kulina/pseuds/kulina
Summary: Awsten walks home right after he does something stupid. The evidence is all over his body.





	Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> probably gonna delete this soon idk
> 
> insp by a post from last week on r/suicidewatch

Awsten is dazed when he stumbles into the house. 

“Hey,” Geoff calls from the couch as the front door swings shut. He doesn’t glance away from the TV; he’s playing another one of those live games that he can’t pause. 

Awsten goes to the sink and, with trembling hands, pumps soap into his left palm. Quietly, emptily, he shifts the sink on, pushes his hands under the stream of water, and rubs his fingers together. 

Stupid. He’s so stupid. He’s stupid and muddy and freezing.

A few minutes pass, the soap long gone and the water still running full-force. He just stares absently out the window. 

Stupid. Stupid. What had he been thinking? Now he was so cold…

“Dammit,” Geoff sighs, a signal that he’s lost his game but isn’t too bothered. “Hey,” he says again. The TV shuts off, and then Awsten can hear the sound of the couch shifting as Geoff stands up. “You’re home late.” And then, “Holy _shit._ What happened to you?!” 

Awsten turns and, his face still blank, looks up at Geoff. 

“Oh - oh my _god,_ ” Geoff breathes, rushing over to look at him. “Wh - did you get hit by a fucking car?! Awsten!” 

Awsten just stares.

“You’re soaking wet! What happened?!” 

Slowly, he blinks. 

Geoff is staring at him with panic in his eyes. When Awsten still doesn’t respond, Geoff leans across him to roughly turn off the faucet.

Awsten remembers then that he’s supposed to speak. “I’m, um… fine.”

Geoff looks back at him and demands for the third time, “What happened?”

“I…” He falls quiet, partially because he doesn’t know how to explain himself and partially because he’s having trouble wrapping his head around what he did. 

“Awsten,” Geoff repeats worriedly, and the anxious look in his eyes compels Awsten to dazedly stutter out, “I jumped off a… a bridge.” 

“You _what_?!” Geoff half-yells. “What the hell are you talking about?! Awsten!” 

“I jumped off a bridge,” Awsten says again as though Geoff hadn’t heard him the first time. “I jumped off it, I just…”

“What?! _Why_?!” 

“I don’t know,” Awsten tells him emotionlessly. And it’s the truth. 

“Well, you did it,” Geoff presses. “Why the hell would you do that?”

“It just… seemed like… a good idea at the time.”

Geoff stares at him for several long seconds, and he doesn’t speak, so Awsten begins to shuffle out of the room. He wants to take off his soaking wet clothes and get in the shower.

“Wait,” Geoff instructs sharply, and Awsten stills. “Did you, like. Did you get hurt?”

“Nope. The water was a lot deeper than I thought.” Awsten starts away again. 

Geoff rushes forward and grabs him by the wrist. “Are you fucking kidding me?” he whispers, but there’s no anger in his tone. “Awsten, are you - I mean, I’m sorry to ask this, but are you taking your medicine?” 

“Yeah,” Awsten tells him, and that’s the truth, too. 

Geoff believes him; Awsten can read it from his face. 

“Well, then, what happened?”

“I don’t know,” Awsten says. “Can I go take a shower now?”

“ _No_ ,” Geoff answers sharply. “Absolutely not. We’re going to the hospital.” 

The words don’t make sense. He’s not sick or injured. “I’m fine. I want to take a shower.”

Geoff speaks over the end of Awsten’s second sentence. “You are not fucking fine,” he corrects dangerously. “We’re going to the hospital. Right now.” 

But neither of them move. 

And then Geoff’s eyes fill with tears. 

He doesn’t storm off like he usually does, doesn’t seek comfort, doesn’t fold in on himself. He just stands there and stares at Awsten with wet, shining eyes, his lips slightly parted. He’s terrified, but Awsten is too far gone to deduce that right now. 

“Come here,” Geoff orders, and he grabs Awsten by one of his shoulders and pulls him into a tight hug. 

“You’ll get dirty,” Awsten says emptily, but it’s too late. His voice is already being muffled by Geoff’s t-shirt.

“I don’t care.” Geoff drops his head onto Awsten’s drenched, mud-covered shoulder, just standing still and squeezing him to his chest. For several seconds, Geoff breathes against Awsten’s shirt. And then -

“Will you please let me change,” Awsten says, and it comes out so dully that it’s not even a question. 

This time, the reply comes in a whisper. “No.”

“Why not.” 

“Because you’re my best friend, and I’m not letting you go anywhere by yourself right now,” Geoff states, and his voice wobbles. His tone drifts toward anger. “What the hell were you thinking?” 

Awsten doesn’t know, so he doesn’t speak. 

“Come on,” Geoff says softly, and Awsten was right - his shirt is now wet and muddy, too. He sniffs a little and takes Awsten’s arm, leading him toward the door.

“Where are we going?”

“The ER. Did you think I was kidding? Cause I fucking wasn’t.”

They get in the car and onto the freeway, and Awsten stares gloomily through the windshield without blinking. Every few miles, Geoff glances over at him, but Awsten ignores him. Neither of them speak. 

Awsten falls more than halfway to sleep in the last few minutes before they get to the parking deck, and once the car is stopped, Geoff rouses him and helps him out of the passenger seat - which is now soggy and covered in mud just like everything else Awsten’s touched in the last half hour - and toward the emergency department. 

Awsten allows himself to lean into Geoff as they walk, and he feels oddly comforted as Geoff’s grip tightens on him. “Why didn’t you let me change clothes?” he asks tiredly.

Geoff doesn’t respond.

They get up to the window (even in this state, Awsten notices that Geoff is having a very, very difficult time waiting his turn) and Geoff reports to the male nurse behind the desk, “He showed up at home and told me he jumped off a bridge. I brought him straight here.”

“Was he physically injured?”

“He says he wasn’t.”

“What’s your relation to him?”

“Best friend. Roommate.”

The man nods and then looks at Awsten. “Were you trying to kill yourself?” he asks gently.

Again, Awsten doesn’t know how to answer the question, so he just… doesn’t.

“Okay,” the man murmurs. He pushes a button on the switchboard in front of him and then stands up and motions for Awsten to come back through a door with him. 

“Can I-” Geoff begins, and the man nods. 

Geoff’s fingers wrap around one of Awsten’s shoulders, and together they travel back to where the man has a wheelchair waiting for Awsten. Awsten collapses down into it and shuts his eyes, hating himself for getting into this situation but desperately desiring the sleep that had been so close mere minutes before. 

Within thirty seconds, there’s a blood pressure cuff squeezing his filthy shirt sleeve and a thermometer poking out of his mouth, and he looks up at Geoff through half-lidded eyes. 

Geoff tries to smile at him. 

Awsten closes his eyes again. 

When Awsten opens his eyes a few moments later, someone is tugging at his clothes. He’s in a different room, and he turns his head, searching tiredly for his best friend. He can’t see him. He pushes at the hands that are pulling on him and hoarsely asks, “Geoff?” 

“I’m right here,” comes Geoff’s soft voice from behind him. “Let her help you.” 

Awsten does. 

This isn’t embarrassing; he wants the clothes off. And then he wants to sleep for a million years. And to die. Yeah, he wants to die, too. 

At least the nurses here get that he doesn’t feel good. Like, they really, really get it. More than Awsten has ever known it was possible for someone to get it. It’s all low lighting and quiet voices, and no one asks him to do anything.

They draw him a hot bath two rooms over and let him just soak in the warm water, and someone even washes his hair for him. It smells like mint and feels like heaven. They towel him off and help dress him in a hospital gown, and then they carefully dry his hair once he’s climbed into an already-made bed with clean sheets. 

Yes, there’s blood-drawing and an IV and a few uncomfortable questions that he’s forced to answer, and then they take his blood pressure and his temperature again, and he still genuinely wants to die, but he gets to stay in the quiet room with the half-light. They bring Geoff back in, and Awsten swears he’s never felt so… so… whatever this is. He doesn’t know what it’s called. But it’s not terrible.

Geoff leans down and presses their foreheads together for a long moment before he pulls one of the plastic chairs from the wall over to the bed and says softly, “I called your mom.”

Awsten’s silent, his eyes shut.

“She said to tell you she loves you a lot and that she’s really glad you’re alive. She and your dad will be here first thing in the morning. They're going to-”

“Jawn?”

“He’s on his way.” 

Awsten nods. “I’m cold,” he comments without opening his eyes. It’s not a complaint. Just a fact.

The nurse who’s been sitting silently in the corner goes to the doorway and flags someone down to bring Awsten a blanket.

Geoff stays close by Awsten’s side. “I love you,” he states.

“Love you,” Awsten repeats automatically. 

“No, I mean it. Listen to me, Awsten. Hey. _Awsten_.”

Wearily, Awsten opens his eyes. 

“I really love you. I don’t want you to ever fucking pull this again, okay?”

Awsten nods. 

“God, you look terrible,” he sighs.

“Thanks.”

“You do.”

“They gave me a bath,” Awsten points out flatly.

“That’s not what I mean. I mean your face. You look…”

“What.”

He sighs and admits, “Dead.”

“Wish I was,” he mumbles under his breath, and Geoff clenches his jaw.

“Fuck you,” he spits.

That gets Awsten’s attention.

“You think this is a fucking joke?” Geoff demands. 

“Sir,” the nurse warns, and Geoff glances toward her. 

His gaze turns apologetic before he shifts his attention back to his best friend. “I know you feel shitty,” he says, the aggression gone from his voice, “but god, man, why didn’t you just pick up the phone and call me?” 

“I don’t know,” Awsten whispers. 

“Why?” Geoff pleads. "I would've done anything to stop you."

_ I didn't want you to stop me. _

Awsten looks at him - really looks at him. Now that he’s warming up again and he’s not so dehydrated (or depressed), he can see that Geoff looks absolutely heartbroken. 

Awsten reaches out with a tape-covered hand, and Geoff gently grabs onto it. As  Geoff leans up and presses a kiss to his forehead, he exhales heavily and wraps a loose arm around the back of Geoff’s neck. 

“You’re too young to die, okay?” Geoff says into his ear. 

Awsten nods. 

“You have your whole life in front of you. I know it’s confusing and it sucks right now, but someday it won’t. Things are gonna turn out okay; I promise. I don’t want you to leave. I hate you so much right now, but I love you, and I don’t want you to leave.” 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yeah, but you tried to. You could be dead right now in a fucking river, and I’d still be sitting at home on the couch wondering where you are. Do you get that? I wouldn’t - you’d be dead and I wouldn’t even know. Somebody would have to call and tell me, and I would never - I’d never forgive myself, I-”

“Stop,” Awsten interrupts, pulling Geoff down so that his head is resting against Awsten’s chest. 

Geoff’s arm winds around his abdomen. 

“What’s gonna happen to me?” Awsten asks after a moment. 

“I don’t know.” 

Awsten nods. “Okay.” 

After a few minutes of silence, the nurse pulls the glass door closed. Bright yellow light still leaks in from the hallway, but the noise easily cuts in half. 

Awsten absently strokes Geoff’s head like he would a dog's, slow and repetitive. Geoff is quiet, his eyes open as he stares blankly at the wall. 

When Jawn finally comes in through the door, Awsten is nearly asleep.

The redhead slots himself right beside Awsten on the bed without asking and immediately tucks him underneath his arm. He’s able to read how tired and upset both Geoff and Awsten are, so he doesn’t speak, just plants a long, meaningful kiss on Awsten’s temple and lightly squeezes Geoff’s hand. 

“Jawn, I’m sor-” Awsten begins, but Jawn cuts him off.

“I know. But I’m here now. Go back to sleep.” 

“But-” Awsten protests halfheartedly. 

“Shut up, and go the fuck back to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.” Careful not to dislodge the IV in the back of Awsten's hand, Jawn rotates Awsten’s bracelet around his wrist so that his name is showing. “Can’t believe they got the spelling right,” he mutters.

Awsten tips his head sideways into Jawn and realizes that, now more than he has all night, he feels like breaking down crying. But he can’t; he’s far too tired. “I can’t sleep,” he moans.

“Yes, you can,” Jawn tells him. “Close your eyes.” 

“It’s the damn heart monitor,” Awsten protests. 

“Soon, you won’t even hear it. Close your eyes, dude.” 

Awsten leans into him a little more, and Jawn’s hand begins to rub up and down his shoulder. 

“You promise?” Awsten whispers.

“What?”

“That you’ll be here when I wake up.”

“Oh. Yeah, man, of course. I gotta be here so I can kick your fucking ass.” He punctuates the thought with a hard jostle of Awsten’s shoulder. “Scared the shit out of me, you know.” He drops his voice for only Awsten to hear. “I love you, motherfucker.” 

Awsten exhales. _What if I died?_ he wants to ask, but he doesn’t allow himself. He’s put them through enough even though nothing actually happened.

Awsten’s grip on Geoff tightens, but Geoff doesn’t move. Awsten looks down and realizes that he can’t really see Geoff’s face from this angle.

“He’s out,” Jawn supplies.

“Oh.” 

They’re quiet for several minutes. 

“You’re not gonna sleep?” Jawn finally asks, watching Awsten's open eyes.

He shrugs. 

“Then… will you tell me what happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“What-”

“Literally _nothing happened_. I did it for no reason. And now I fucking hate myself even more.” Awsten can hear his heart monitor speed up a little due to his anger, and that embarrasses him, so it speeds up more.

Jawn must notice, because he says, “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.”

“If something was wrong, I would have told you,” Awsten snaps. 

“I know.” 

"I _would_ have."

"I said I _know_."

Slightly comforted, Awsten closes his eyes. 

Jawn doesn’t say anything else, so Awsten doesn’t, either. 

His heart rate slows down.

He falls into an uneasy sleep and dreams of plunging into an icy cold river. He’s stuck underneath the churning water, and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t break the surface.


End file.
